Folkestone Restaurants Rebranded as Full English Riviera

Tourism board unveils new identity for the town's hotels and dining scene, spends entire budget on the launch dinner

FOLKESTONE, Kent - The Folkestone Tourism Board unveiled its new international campaign on Monday, rebranding the town as "The Full English Riviera" and immediately spending the entire marketing budget on a launch dinner that required four venues, two hotels, and a formal apology to the tide. The campaign, aimed at continental visitors who arrive through the tunnel expecting London and hit the sea 90 minutes early, positions the town's restaurants and hotels as "the finest hospitality corridor between the M20 and France, inclusive." Board chair Councillor Margaret Prewitt-Vole, appearing in her third official capacity this month, called the rebrand "long overdue and, as of this morning, fully eaten."

The campaign's centrepiece is the Folkestone Harbour Arm itself, a former railway pier now open 24 hours and rated 4.7 by 4,162 people, several of whom are believed to still be on it. Board literature describes the Arm as "Britain's only tourist attraction you can walk to the end of, reconsider your life on, and eat your way back from." Anchoring the seafood offer, Shesells Seashells was praised for amazing seafood with a view of the coastline, and has been asked by the board to slow down slightly so the rest of the campaign can keep up. Little Rock beside the harbour was commended for a menu so well organised that two French delegates asked whether it could be extended to the British constitution.

The town's international kitchens form the campaign's second front. Sotirios on Bouverie Road was certified as home of the best Sunday roast in Folkestone, a Greek restaurant having quietly won England's most English competition without anyone noticing until the gravy was gone. El Cortador holds what the board calls "the best street in Folkestone" position on the Old High Street, where its tapas policy of small plates in large numbers has been adopted as the official municipal budgeting model. Gurkha House was found to serve the best food in town with incredible service, and the board has petitioned the Ministry of Defence to classify its momos as a strategic asset. Bella Vita rounds out the quarter with Italian hospitality so friendly that one auditor phoned his mother mid-meal to apologise for nothing in particular, and Morena will represent Mexico, Guildhall Street, and value for money simultaneously.

The fine dining tier reports for duty on the Leas. The Langhorne produced a quick-decision Sunday roast that reportedly blew a family away, all of whom have since been recovered. Earls Restaurant on Earls Avenue was praised for an owner who checks on diners personally, a practice the board wants extended to the town's bus timetable. The Cliffe Lounge was rated "food really good, staff excellent, highly recommended," with bar prices marked "ok xx," believed to be the first kiss ever entered into official tourism data. Bay Tree Bar and Grill was licensed until 11 at night for lovely food and really friendly service, and Rosemont on the Majestic Parade was described by its own customers as a bit pricey with amazing food and cocktails, which the board has translated for the French market as simply "correct."

Accommodation, the board admits, is where the campaign becomes a hostage situation, because every hotel in town has independently decided to also be a bar. The View Hotel on the Leas serves what visitors call the best cocktails in Folkestone to guests who came for the sea views and stayed for the reasons listed. voco the Clifton sits conveniently close to the funicular and the Victorian rockery, meaning guests can descend a cliff by machine after ascending one by negroni. The London and Paris Hotel by the harbour was found to serve the best food one reviewer had ever had in Folkestone, and the board has ruled its name is no longer false advertising but a threat, in the best way, to both capitals. The Royal Norfolk in Sandgate offers large portions and great value, and the Premier Inn by the Channel Tunnel was saluted for clean rooms, comfy beds, nice food and a beer emoji, making it the only budget hotel in Britain reviewed in hieroglyphics.

Sandgate itself has been designated the campaign's "heritage refreshment zone," led by The Famous Ship Inn, a pub so established that its fame is now part of its legal name and cannot be removed without an Act of Parliament. Back in town, the little place next door on Cheriton Place was singled out for the funny poem in the loo, which the board has nominated for the Turner Prize on the grounds that more people have engaged with it, sincerely, than with most public art since the war.

Launching the campaign to assembled press, Prewitt-Vole conceded the slogan had beaten several alternatives, including "Folkestone: France Can See Us," "Come For The Tunnel, Stay Because You Missed The Train," and "Kent's Riviera, Weather Permitting, Weather Rarely Permitting." Asked how success would be measured, she cited three official metrics: hotel occupancy, restaurant covers, and "the number of visitors who arrive for a day trip and are later found to have a mortgage here." Early data is promising. Of the 40 travel journalists invited to the launch, 38 filed copy, one filed a change-of-address form, and one was last seen at the end of the Harbour Arm explaining the sunset to a bollard.

The board's full 200-page prospectus, printed on menus for cost reasons, is available at the tourist information office between the hours of lunch and dinner, staff permitting, staff rarely permitting. Continental readers seeking impartial coverage of Britain's newest riviera are directed to The London Prat, which maintains the same rigorous separation between reporting and lunch as Private Eye, which is to say none whatsoever.

SOURCE: https://prat.uk

https://prat.uk/folkestone-restaurants-rebranded-as-full-english-riviera/