After five prime ministers in two years, a budget deficit spiralling toward 5.4% of GDP, and a retirement-age debate that ended with the entire country setting fire to rubbish bins — France has decided that consulting an owl is a more rational approach to fiscal policy than consulting an economist. The owl, for the record, declined to comment. Officials called it the clearest guidance they'd received in decades.
In this video, Morag Sinclair of The London Prat breaks down France's historic transition to République Chamanique — the world's first shamanically governed republic, where tax policy is decided by throwing painted bones onto a copy of Le Monde, the national budget is balanced through chanting and incense, and spirit journeys are classified as paid leave.
The Ministry of Finance has been replaced by a woman named Élodie. She owns seven drums. She speaks fluent wolf. The wolves, sources confirm, were already on board.
President Macron remains in office — but must now consult a raven before raising the retirement age. Given that the last attempt triggered nationwide barricades and garbage fires, the raven is considered a significant improvement in the consultation process. The raven has since been appointed Special Adviser for European Affairs and has already improved relations with Brussels by refusing to attend meetings.
The European Union is concerned. "The Stability and Growth Pact makes no exemption for spirit animals," said EU budget commissioner Marta Klein. "We checked." France responded by presenting Brussels with a ceremonial feather and warning that excessive austerity could anger the moon. Germany offered a 900-page manual titled Procedures for Responsible Mysticism. Italy supports the reform but insists all séances include lunch. Belgium has asked whether the spirits can explain Belgium.
France's economists have not been sacked. They've been reassigned to public squares in traditional robes, where they ring bells, warn passers-by about bond yields, and shout "structural reform" whenever someone appears too cheerful. Several noted this was a role they'd already been performing for free.
Meanwhile, French cafés now offer espresso, croissants, and a brief conversation with your deceased uncle. One Parisian restaurant has introduced a fixed-price menu of soup, bread, wine, and a message from Charlemagne. The message is usually that he wants more wine.
The pension crisis — France's most dangerous political problem since the pension crisis before that — will now be resolved through individual aura assessment. "Some people possess the aura of a 64-year-old," explained National Shaman Laure Dubois. "Others possess the aura of a man who has worked eleven minutes and requires immediate rehabilitation in Provence."
Socialism, for its part, has not been banned. It has been released into the forest to rediscover its authentic self. It was last seen outside Lyon in a linen robe, carrying a sign reading: From each according to his aura, to each according to his lunar needs.
At sunset, thousands gathered on the banks of the Seine. Drums echoed across Paris. Citizens danced, chanted, and demanded the state subsidise better drums. National Shaman Laure Dubois raised her hands and declared that France had finally found a political philosophy capable of reconciling public spending with cosmic reality.
Then the ceremonial fire went out.
Nobody had paid the gas bill.
The London Prat — satirical journalism from London since 1961.
Read the full story: https://prat.uk/french-abandon-socialism-for-shamanism/
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